Do I have a serious illness?

As I was searching some home remedies on the internet for a runny nose the other day, I stumbled upon WebMD. WebMD is a site where you can diagnose yourself with every sickness ever known. Or at least that's how I see it. There were some really weird illnesses that had very broad symptoms, which I had. Some of these broad symptoms were runny nose, drowsiness, headaches, and it turns out I've got it all. From osteoporosis to heart disease and everything in between, I'm pretty sure I have it.

Even things like drinking coffee, staying up too late, eating too much of this or too little of that can cause serious problems. But then, there are those "once a day" things for old people on TV that have names like ricaricac, spingloa, trencfolab, unvariten, viagra, glentravier, exventroa, ring a bell?
Well, those cause even more problems once you take them, like "Coughing, sneezing, farting, an erection lasting more than 32 hours, headaches, nausea, vomiting, death, diarrhea, stuff like that. But don't worry! Your life threatening illness will be long gone soon enough!

No thanks, but I'll live with the runny nose.

 I'm not sick anymore, but when I was, I think I should have just popped open a can of Campbell's soup and dealt with the runny nose. I'll do that next time, and you should too. Don't go to WebMD, just call the oldest person you know and ask for some weird voodoo remedies, and you should be fine.