An Open Letter to Doormen

Dear Doormen,

Hi, my name is Elias and I am contacting you regarding your friend, another doorman. I did not have such a great experience with you guys and I now have mental anguish because of it. It's really not that bad, and I'm not going to commit any hate crimes against doormen, but I see how you guys are now.
Like for one, I know you always need a tip, but there's a limit on how much I can tip you.

For example, when you take my bags to my room, why do you expect me to be so generous as to give you a crazy tip that will make you quit your job? If everyone gave you twenties you'd be making more money than me. It also depends where you are located to be a doorman. If you're in Austin, the minimum tip amount I believe you should be receiving is no less than five dollars and no more than ten dollars as the maximum tip amount per bag per trip to the room. This is only in luxury hotels, no La Quintas.Unless it's Christmas and I'm Donald Trump, you're not getting any twenties from me. I can carry my own bags thank you very much. I hope I'm not offending you, it's just that you're a bit more needy than I am and as guest, we don't really need much except maybe the pass code to the swimming pool and what channel HBO is on. There are only certain instances in where I would be provoked to give you more. For example, if a doorman has some sort of nice conversation with me or just looks like a cool guy and we share a laugh, of course I cant leave him hanging there with five bucks.

When it comes down to it, you guys aren't much different from your distant valet parking cousins who take care of your car, which I think is a lot more important than rolling a suitcase. Now those guys carry much more value to me than doormen. Sorry, but they do and you know it's true. It's for a much shorter time and you don't really see them, but deep down you have a greater trust in them than most people which in turn if you're not the valet guys from Ferris Bueller, I can show a greater appreciation for. It's not you, it's me. So the next time we meet, I hope you'll remember these things, and just be cool with it. I know it's your job, but that doesn't mean make it a job. Just hold the damn door.

With Much Thought,

Your Favorite Hotel Guest, Elias