Backdoor Etiquette (continuted from "How To: Texting Etiquette and other rules")

Moses and his Backdoor Etiquette

I once did a blog on how to live your life through text messaging and other general rules that I had been thinking about for a while. Since then, I had other thoughts on this subject with rules that needed to be put out for the world to see and to abide by. Some of those previous rules have also been revised or edited. These rules do not reflect my ideas or those associated with me.

Numero Uno) Thou shant snub thy neighbor. 
Whenever it comes thy time for thou neighbor to trot down a way of halls, it is appropriate to toss adieu and a courtesy to thy neighbor if thy neighbor is in thy contact list. If thy neighbor is connected through facebook, twitter, slapchat, or friendster, it is also appropriate. Such failure to abide by this is frowned upon and thou shall be berated by thy aunt and thy uncle.



Rule Two) If thy neighbor is sending messages of text to thy iPhone past a time of worth for you to reply, it is always important to not "like" any content on websites that thy neighbor would be able to search and find that you might have liked another neighbor's content. Such act would cause thy neighbor to feel butthurt and ask how you are able to like pictures when your time of worth for content is up. If this conflict arises, it is appropriate to either not reply and go to sleep, or pretend to go to sleep and continue to like content, disregarding thy neighbor that is attempting to contact you.

3) When time comes for you to attend a dinner or event that was invited to you through facebook, such invitation through facebook is already regarded as a lazy invitation. If there is no attire pointed out in the invitation, it does not mean that you are required to wear formal attire. Even if it is a wedding and you were invited through facebook (especially weddings), it is only appropriate for you to show up in a tank top and board shorts because you rightfully acknowledged the invitation.

1 + 2 + 1)  When you stumble upon a diner of any such, you might be given a waiter or waitress that doesn't offer you coffee at least every 15 minutes, it is acceptable to tip in pocket change. Also, if the waiter or waitress asks if the food is good and it really isn't, it is OK for you to say that the food isn't great and blame it on the busboy who might be picking up the table behind you.

Five Five Five) If a time arises where you are needed to wear a college tshirt and you aren't planning on going there, you have two options. You lie or you lie. You tell everyone who even glances at the shirt that you will be attending the school and have gotten at least up to $100,000 of scholarship money from that school. Rumors will spread, and you will become a sensation.

Page 48 of Backdoor Etiquette

The Sandwich

I like sandwiches. I like them so much that they're my favorite type of food that I prefer to eat all the time. Now I couldn't do a ham sandwich made at home for more than 2.5 times because that just gets old and boring quick. PB&J is a different story, though. I've been eating those things everyday for lunch since I started going to school 14ish years ago. Not even kidding. Every damn day and I love it so much. Well not love it, love it, but I really don't want anything else. I know it sounds ridiculous and how I could do the same thing everyday, and I wouldn't be able to tell you because I also don't know. Now that I have much more freedom to roam for lunch without being stopped by Curtis Carty, the sandwich varies. It's gone from thundercloud to this place I can't remember but I ate a good pastrami sandwich. The lone PB&J fades away into the darkness from past memories and good times at lunch as new ones come in. Ok, it's not that dramatic, because I'm currently eating a PB&J sandwich right now and it's pretty good. Never gets old.

But here's what I'm out to do. In future years, maybe like 5, I'm going to buy an airstream and open up a PB&J place on the side of the road. If I can't do that, somehow I'm going to turn the ordinary sandwich into a brand. And I'm going to name it after myself. That's what I'm going to do if this whole President of the United States thing doesn't work out. It'll be great because I would be able to buy out everyone who makes a sandwich. Chick-fil-a, McDonalds, everything. It all started with Washington Carver and the welch brothers and now this. A multi-trillion dollar idea, in cash.

Walk-Ins Welcome

I've never been to a Willie Nelson concert. Or maybe I have, but it was probably a very long time ago. I've seen all of his concerts on Austin City Limits when it comes on TV once every 20 years and have records stowed away with his name all over it. I even have a lyric book that he signed himself to me. And still, I've never been.

But I did play a round of poker with him.

What it looked like when we walked in

This was a couple years ago when he had his "BioWillie" BioDiesel gas station at Carl's Corner truck stop that no longer exists somewhere in Texas. I was with my family and I think my grandparents when we were coming back from a trip in Fort Worth around Christmastime. At first it was the normal pit stop. You know, get some gas, pee break, grab some chips and a Twix and get back on the road. As we rolled up to "Willie's Place", it was exactly that. I walked into a small gas station on the side of the road. A couple pictures of Willie on the wall and that's about it. Nothing special. But then these two guys came walking out of double doors in the back of the store and had said Willie Nelson was in there. We all walked in and this small, old gas station turned into a giant music venue with a stage, lights, seats, and even a bar. It was huge. But no one there. Not a single person. Soon enough from the side of this dark, black amphitheater comes out Willie Nelson like it was the Wizard of Oz. He said hello, talked to my parents for a while, gave me a Coke, and I think we even took a picture with him.This was before it was as easy as whipping out your iPhone to snap a pic so that picture is probably sitting in a box somewhere.

What it looks like on a good day

So then he asked if we wanted to come into the back with him because he had some friends with him and they were all playing poker in this grand room that looked like a Dave & Busters. I didn't know how to play and I still don't know. But that was the first time I played poker. After that he handed us a lyric book of his and signed it, told us to come back next weekend and that was about it. Very causal. But we didn't go back.

Anyway, that's how I did it. I walked in.

Taking up a new hobby

The other day as I watching my parents getting hooked onto Breaking Bad (it's a bad case too), it was the first time I saw them doing something new. But not like they don't do anything new ever, but more of a hobby kind of thing, and they won't stop. Then I thought that I should be doing something new. Because change is always good, unless it's a new Doritos flavor.

Now I'm not going to start watching TV all day long, but something that I could be proud of doing. I've been thinking about trying out a radio dj gig, but the only hours I would be able to do would be on Wednesdays at 3am and that doesn't sound fun at all. I think I would have more fun recording myself in my bedroom.
If I think back though, it feels like I do new things everyday. Like this week, I've been really interested in accordions. They can't be that hard to play and I'm sure I could get into any band because what hipster band wouldn't want an accordion player?

Not what I had in mind. #helpme

I was also thinking about rock climbing too. Rock climbing is definitely cool. Rock climbing is almost as cool as mountain biking. There's no better place to do it than the greenbelt too. But one thing I would have to do is grow out my hair and give up showering for long periods of time. Also calluses, calluses are gross. But I think I could live with that for a while, minus the hair and no showering thing.

If minimalism is a hobby, I'm in. Minimalism is actually a lot cooler than you might think. A lot of people that are into minimalism are also into the spiritual "journey" on their life and how happy they've become, but I'm only in it for the cool interior design. No ying yang for me. Just a cool space that looks like something out of a magazine.

This means no kids for a while?

Cooking is one thing, and eating is another. I'd like to cook, but I don't want to be a foodie. I really don't care what I eat and I don't count calories, I just remember to vomit every 2 hours (just kidding). Like today, I went to Threadgill's and had a shrimp po' boy and it was probably the best thing I ate all month. I also haven't had a sandwich that good since 2004. Except thundercloud but that doesn't really count. It's kind of like water. Nobody has good or bad water, it's just water. Thundercloud is my water.

The worst feeling in the world

This was freshman year, I'll never forget it. I had just been entered into AISD's system with my name spelled backwards and had chosen all of my classes for the year. Straight out of private school, this was going to be easy. I was totally right. Well I guess freshman year was easy for everyone, but I can only remember it as being a time of going to school, coming home and having more free time than a housewife.
One class I had taken that was a prerequisite for seniors at the time was Business Information Management (BIM). It was a pretty useful class and I learned a lot from it. The entire class was taken on a computer in a room filled of computers and computers only. No one talked in that class and no one knew each other. The seats we sat in on the first day were our seats for the entire year and I was stuck sitting next to the dumb girl. She didn't talk to me, played loud music, and belonged at Crockett High School (like a 2003 Crockett High School). 

I also had the worst feeling in the world whenever she walked in and sat down. This was because she copied everything I did. Not my style or anything, no one can copy that. But she copied everything I did in that class to be creative. Whenever it came to making a cool brochure or a sweet powerpoint, she would eye her way onto my screen and do the exact same thing. How did I know this? Because I would eye my way back onto her screen. So everyday of my freshman year I would have to get to that class early to tilt my screen out of her vision, but not so much that it's obvious. It was the first real time someone had stole my ideas, and this one was right in front of me. It's not like my work was going to Newsweek or anything, but they were my ideas. And I've heard it all before, "you aren't going to get anywhere complaining about your stolen ideas, so let them steal". So one day  I stopped complaining about my ideas being stolen and did something about it.
I broke her nose.
No I didn't really do that, but instead I started to bring one of those plastic tinted screens you would find at a bank to class. She eventually failed and maybe didn't even graduate, but that was the last time she ever stole an idea from me.

How To: Texting Etiquitte and other rules

In this segment of How To, I will be covering the basics of things I believe everyone should know and how to approach things in public because there are just too many people who don't know how to tie their shoes, but even more that can't have a normal conversation. But anyway, here are some things I thought long and hard of that you should know.

1. If you see someone in public, you don't have to talk to them. 
There's always a time when you're at an event or buying egg nog or whatever (it's already in stores), and you'll run into someone you only kind of know. Here at Elias & Friends it happens all the time. But you always feel like you have to talk to them about how they're doing or what they're doing or talk even though you've never talked before. Well guess what, all you have to do is say hello and that's it. They probably don't care to talk to you anyway so grab your egg nog and get the hell outta there!

2. The "person is typing" bubble does not entitle you to a message back. 
There was the "Read at" and "last seen" and then there's the typing bubble you'll see on iPhones. Believe it or not, there's no way they didn't read your text even if they opened it and read your message. So if you send a message and they read it, almost send something back, but don't, oh well.

3. A dinner is a date, a movie is not.
Sixth grade was a long time ago, it's time to set some higher standards. Now, this applies to more of a first date thing. I mean you're not even looking at the person. I can do that with someone for free. We'll just sit in chairs looking at a wall for a few hours and call it a date.


4. If you're going to text and walk, don't walk.
Whenever I see someone walking and texting at the same time, I can't feel sorry for them if they run into a wall. They're so slow, they hog up other people's walking space and assume we're going to move out of their way. If you're going to text and walk, do it out of the walking traffic. Quick texts are okay, long conversations are not.

5. There's a cutoff time for starting a conversation.
Whenever you decide to start a conversation texting another person, you have to remember the texting cutoff times. Sure, you could send someone a text at 3am asking whats up, but it would make you look a little weird. Only unless you know that person is awake, then you can start a conversation. But the cutoff time to start chatting is 11:30pm. And texting conversations may only last up to one hour (consecutive) or ten messages sent. Any longer than that you might as well call them. Weekends cutoff time is midnight.

6. If they're in your contacts, you must say hi.
Social media or contacts in your phone is not some other world you live in like Avatar, so if you see someone you know and they're in your contacts or connected through social media in some way, you can't snub them and keep walking. You can either talk, or refer to rule #1.

An Open Letter to Doormen

Dear Doormen,

Hi, my name is Elias and I am contacting you regarding your friend, another doorman. I did not have such a great experience with you guys and I now have mental anguish because of it. It's really not that bad, and I'm not going to commit any hate crimes against doormen, but I see how you guys are now.
Like for one, I know you always need a tip, but there's a limit on how much I can tip you.

For example, when you take my bags to my room, why do you expect me to be so generous as to give you a crazy tip that will make you quit your job? If everyone gave you twenties you'd be making more money than me. It also depends where you are located to be a doorman. If you're in Austin, the minimum tip amount I believe you should be receiving is no less than five dollars and no more than ten dollars as the maximum tip amount per bag per trip to the room. This is only in luxury hotels, no La Quintas.Unless it's Christmas and I'm Donald Trump, you're not getting any twenties from me. I can carry my own bags thank you very much. I hope I'm not offending you, it's just that you're a bit more needy than I am and as guest, we don't really need much except maybe the pass code to the swimming pool and what channel HBO is on. There are only certain instances in where I would be provoked to give you more. For example, if a doorman has some sort of nice conversation with me or just looks like a cool guy and we share a laugh, of course I cant leave him hanging there with five bucks.

When it comes down to it, you guys aren't much different from your distant valet parking cousins who take care of your car, which I think is a lot more important than rolling a suitcase. Now those guys carry much more value to me than doormen. Sorry, but they do and you know it's true. It's for a much shorter time and you don't really see them, but deep down you have a greater trust in them than most people which in turn if you're not the valet guys from Ferris Bueller, I can show a greater appreciation for. It's not you, it's me. So the next time we meet, I hope you'll remember these things, and just be cool with it. I know it's your job, but that doesn't mean make it a job. Just hold the damn door.

With Much Thought,

Your Favorite Hotel Guest, Elias