Backdoor Etiquette (continuted from "How To: Texting Etiquette and other rules")

Moses and his Backdoor Etiquette

I once did a blog on how to live your life through text messaging and other general rules that I had been thinking about for a while. Since then, I had other thoughts on this subject with rules that needed to be put out for the world to see and to abide by. Some of those previous rules have also been revised or edited. These rules do not reflect my ideas or those associated with me.

Numero Uno) Thou shant snub thy neighbor. 
Whenever it comes thy time for thou neighbor to trot down a way of halls, it is appropriate to toss adieu and a courtesy to thy neighbor if thy neighbor is in thy contact list. If thy neighbor is connected through facebook, twitter, slapchat, or friendster, it is also appropriate. Such failure to abide by this is frowned upon and thou shall be berated by thy aunt and thy uncle.



Rule Two) If thy neighbor is sending messages of text to thy iPhone past a time of worth for you to reply, it is always important to not "like" any content on websites that thy neighbor would be able to search and find that you might have liked another neighbor's content. Such act would cause thy neighbor to feel butthurt and ask how you are able to like pictures when your time of worth for content is up. If this conflict arises, it is appropriate to either not reply and go to sleep, or pretend to go to sleep and continue to like content, disregarding thy neighbor that is attempting to contact you.

3) When time comes for you to attend a dinner or event that was invited to you through facebook, such invitation through facebook is already regarded as a lazy invitation. If there is no attire pointed out in the invitation, it does not mean that you are required to wear formal attire. Even if it is a wedding and you were invited through facebook (especially weddings), it is only appropriate for you to show up in a tank top and board shorts because you rightfully acknowledged the invitation.

1 + 2 + 1)  When you stumble upon a diner of any such, you might be given a waiter or waitress that doesn't offer you coffee at least every 15 minutes, it is acceptable to tip in pocket change. Also, if the waiter or waitress asks if the food is good and it really isn't, it is OK for you to say that the food isn't great and blame it on the busboy who might be picking up the table behind you.

Five Five Five) If a time arises where you are needed to wear a college tshirt and you aren't planning on going there, you have two options. You lie or you lie. You tell everyone who even glances at the shirt that you will be attending the school and have gotten at least up to $100,000 of scholarship money from that school. Rumors will spread, and you will become a sensation.

Page 48 of Backdoor Etiquette

The Sandwich

I like sandwiches. I like them so much that they're my favorite type of food that I prefer to eat all the time. Now I couldn't do a ham sandwich made at home for more than 2.5 times because that just gets old and boring quick. PB&J is a different story, though. I've been eating those things everyday for lunch since I started going to school 14ish years ago. Not even kidding. Every damn day and I love it so much. Well not love it, love it, but I really don't want anything else. I know it sounds ridiculous and how I could do the same thing everyday, and I wouldn't be able to tell you because I also don't know. Now that I have much more freedom to roam for lunch without being stopped by Curtis Carty, the sandwich varies. It's gone from thundercloud to this place I can't remember but I ate a good pastrami sandwich. The lone PB&J fades away into the darkness from past memories and good times at lunch as new ones come in. Ok, it's not that dramatic, because I'm currently eating a PB&J sandwich right now and it's pretty good. Never gets old.

But here's what I'm out to do. In future years, maybe like 5, I'm going to buy an airstream and open up a PB&J place on the side of the road. If I can't do that, somehow I'm going to turn the ordinary sandwich into a brand. And I'm going to name it after myself. That's what I'm going to do if this whole President of the United States thing doesn't work out. It'll be great because I would be able to buy out everyone who makes a sandwich. Chick-fil-a, McDonalds, everything. It all started with Washington Carver and the welch brothers and now this. A multi-trillion dollar idea, in cash.

Walk-Ins Welcome

I've never been to a Willie Nelson concert. Or maybe I have, but it was probably a very long time ago. I've seen all of his concerts on Austin City Limits when it comes on TV once every 20 years and have records stowed away with his name all over it. I even have a lyric book that he signed himself to me. And still, I've never been.

But I did play a round of poker with him.

What it looked like when we walked in

This was a couple years ago when he had his "BioWillie" BioDiesel gas station at Carl's Corner truck stop that no longer exists somewhere in Texas. I was with my family and I think my grandparents when we were coming back from a trip in Fort Worth around Christmastime. At first it was the normal pit stop. You know, get some gas, pee break, grab some chips and a Twix and get back on the road. As we rolled up to "Willie's Place", it was exactly that. I walked into a small gas station on the side of the road. A couple pictures of Willie on the wall and that's about it. Nothing special. But then these two guys came walking out of double doors in the back of the store and had said Willie Nelson was in there. We all walked in and this small, old gas station turned into a giant music venue with a stage, lights, seats, and even a bar. It was huge. But no one there. Not a single person. Soon enough from the side of this dark, black amphitheater comes out Willie Nelson like it was the Wizard of Oz. He said hello, talked to my parents for a while, gave me a Coke, and I think we even took a picture with him.This was before it was as easy as whipping out your iPhone to snap a pic so that picture is probably sitting in a box somewhere.

What it looks like on a good day

So then he asked if we wanted to come into the back with him because he had some friends with him and they were all playing poker in this grand room that looked like a Dave & Busters. I didn't know how to play and I still don't know. But that was the first time I played poker. After that he handed us a lyric book of his and signed it, told us to come back next weekend and that was about it. Very causal. But we didn't go back.

Anyway, that's how I did it. I walked in.

Taking up a new hobby

The other day as I watching my parents getting hooked onto Breaking Bad (it's a bad case too), it was the first time I saw them doing something new. But not like they don't do anything new ever, but more of a hobby kind of thing, and they won't stop. Then I thought that I should be doing something new. Because change is always good, unless it's a new Doritos flavor.

Now I'm not going to start watching TV all day long, but something that I could be proud of doing. I've been thinking about trying out a radio dj gig, but the only hours I would be able to do would be on Wednesdays at 3am and that doesn't sound fun at all. I think I would have more fun recording myself in my bedroom.
If I think back though, it feels like I do new things everyday. Like this week, I've been really interested in accordions. They can't be that hard to play and I'm sure I could get into any band because what hipster band wouldn't want an accordion player?

Not what I had in mind. #helpme

I was also thinking about rock climbing too. Rock climbing is definitely cool. Rock climbing is almost as cool as mountain biking. There's no better place to do it than the greenbelt too. But one thing I would have to do is grow out my hair and give up showering for long periods of time. Also calluses, calluses are gross. But I think I could live with that for a while, minus the hair and no showering thing.

If minimalism is a hobby, I'm in. Minimalism is actually a lot cooler than you might think. A lot of people that are into minimalism are also into the spiritual "journey" on their life and how happy they've become, but I'm only in it for the cool interior design. No ying yang for me. Just a cool space that looks like something out of a magazine.

This means no kids for a while?

Cooking is one thing, and eating is another. I'd like to cook, but I don't want to be a foodie. I really don't care what I eat and I don't count calories, I just remember to vomit every 2 hours (just kidding). Like today, I went to Threadgill's and had a shrimp po' boy and it was probably the best thing I ate all month. I also haven't had a sandwich that good since 2004. Except thundercloud but that doesn't really count. It's kind of like water. Nobody has good or bad water, it's just water. Thundercloud is my water.

The worst feeling in the world

This was freshman year, I'll never forget it. I had just been entered into AISD's system with my name spelled backwards and had chosen all of my classes for the year. Straight out of private school, this was going to be easy. I was totally right. Well I guess freshman year was easy for everyone, but I can only remember it as being a time of going to school, coming home and having more free time than a housewife.
One class I had taken that was a prerequisite for seniors at the time was Business Information Management (BIM). It was a pretty useful class and I learned a lot from it. The entire class was taken on a computer in a room filled of computers and computers only. No one talked in that class and no one knew each other. The seats we sat in on the first day were our seats for the entire year and I was stuck sitting next to the dumb girl. She didn't talk to me, played loud music, and belonged at Crockett High School (like a 2003 Crockett High School). 

I also had the worst feeling in the world whenever she walked in and sat down. This was because she copied everything I did. Not my style or anything, no one can copy that. But she copied everything I did in that class to be creative. Whenever it came to making a cool brochure or a sweet powerpoint, she would eye her way onto my screen and do the exact same thing. How did I know this? Because I would eye my way back onto her screen. So everyday of my freshman year I would have to get to that class early to tilt my screen out of her vision, but not so much that it's obvious. It was the first real time someone had stole my ideas, and this one was right in front of me. It's not like my work was going to Newsweek or anything, but they were my ideas. And I've heard it all before, "you aren't going to get anywhere complaining about your stolen ideas, so let them steal". So one day  I stopped complaining about my ideas being stolen and did something about it.
I broke her nose.
No I didn't really do that, but instead I started to bring one of those plastic tinted screens you would find at a bank to class. She eventually failed and maybe didn't even graduate, but that was the last time she ever stole an idea from me.

How To: Texting Etiquitte and other rules

In this segment of How To, I will be covering the basics of things I believe everyone should know and how to approach things in public because there are just too many people who don't know how to tie their shoes, but even more that can't have a normal conversation. But anyway, here are some things I thought long and hard of that you should know.

1. If you see someone in public, you don't have to talk to them. 
There's always a time when you're at an event or buying egg nog or whatever (it's already in stores), and you'll run into someone you only kind of know. Here at Elias & Friends it happens all the time. But you always feel like you have to talk to them about how they're doing or what they're doing or talk even though you've never talked before. Well guess what, all you have to do is say hello and that's it. They probably don't care to talk to you anyway so grab your egg nog and get the hell outta there!

2. The "person is typing" bubble does not entitle you to a message back. 
There was the "Read at" and "last seen" and then there's the typing bubble you'll see on iPhones. Believe it or not, there's no way they didn't read your text even if they opened it and read your message. So if you send a message and they read it, almost send something back, but don't, oh well.

3. A dinner is a date, a movie is not.
Sixth grade was a long time ago, it's time to set some higher standards. Now, this applies to more of a first date thing. I mean you're not even looking at the person. I can do that with someone for free. We'll just sit in chairs looking at a wall for a few hours and call it a date.


4. If you're going to text and walk, don't walk.
Whenever I see someone walking and texting at the same time, I can't feel sorry for them if they run into a wall. They're so slow, they hog up other people's walking space and assume we're going to move out of their way. If you're going to text and walk, do it out of the walking traffic. Quick texts are okay, long conversations are not.

5. There's a cutoff time for starting a conversation.
Whenever you decide to start a conversation texting another person, you have to remember the texting cutoff times. Sure, you could send someone a text at 3am asking whats up, but it would make you look a little weird. Only unless you know that person is awake, then you can start a conversation. But the cutoff time to start chatting is 11:30pm. And texting conversations may only last up to one hour (consecutive) or ten messages sent. Any longer than that you might as well call them. Weekends cutoff time is midnight.

6. If they're in your contacts, you must say hi.
Social media or contacts in your phone is not some other world you live in like Avatar, so if you see someone you know and they're in your contacts or connected through social media in some way, you can't snub them and keep walking. You can either talk, or refer to rule #1.

An Open Letter to Doormen

Dear Doormen,

Hi, my name is Elias and I am contacting you regarding your friend, another doorman. I did not have such a great experience with you guys and I now have mental anguish because of it. It's really not that bad, and I'm not going to commit any hate crimes against doormen, but I see how you guys are now.
Like for one, I know you always need a tip, but there's a limit on how much I can tip you.

For example, when you take my bags to my room, why do you expect me to be so generous as to give you a crazy tip that will make you quit your job? If everyone gave you twenties you'd be making more money than me. It also depends where you are located to be a doorman. If you're in Austin, the minimum tip amount I believe you should be receiving is no less than five dollars and no more than ten dollars as the maximum tip amount per bag per trip to the room. This is only in luxury hotels, no La Quintas.Unless it's Christmas and I'm Donald Trump, you're not getting any twenties from me. I can carry my own bags thank you very much. I hope I'm not offending you, it's just that you're a bit more needy than I am and as guest, we don't really need much except maybe the pass code to the swimming pool and what channel HBO is on. There are only certain instances in where I would be provoked to give you more. For example, if a doorman has some sort of nice conversation with me or just looks like a cool guy and we share a laugh, of course I cant leave him hanging there with five bucks.

When it comes down to it, you guys aren't much different from your distant valet parking cousins who take care of your car, which I think is a lot more important than rolling a suitcase. Now those guys carry much more value to me than doormen. Sorry, but they do and you know it's true. It's for a much shorter time and you don't really see them, but deep down you have a greater trust in them than most people which in turn if you're not the valet guys from Ferris Bueller, I can show a greater appreciation for. It's not you, it's me. So the next time we meet, I hope you'll remember these things, and just be cool with it. I know it's your job, but that doesn't mean make it a job. Just hold the damn door.

With Much Thought,

Your Favorite Hotel Guest, Elias

What it's like to be a bike mechanic

I got asked the other day what I do for a living and I told them I do homework and go to school. But I also work as a bicycle mechanic sometimes too. So I'm going to share a little bit about what I actually do as a bike mechanic.

I started working there two summers ago, and mainly during summers. The shop opens at 10 and usually everyone gets there about 9:45 because they had just gotten back from a ride and need to shower and do whatever before we open. But I won't focus on them as much.
So most mornings, I make sure everything looks good, normal stuff. Sometimes someone will be making coffee or if the Tour de France is on, we'll be watching that. What I do besides being a mechanic is everything else and everything no one else wants to do. I've done just about everything there is to do in a bike shop environment (except clean the bathrooms, I'm not into that). Some days I'll just be stocking things for a large part of the day and talking to customers about Lance Armstrong, assuming I know what he's up to recently because they can't relate bicycles to anything else. Or some days I'll be on a lunch run on a bike, those are always fun. One of the weirdest things I've had to deal with though is during my summer working there, a woman had walked in with a bike, completely painted white and asked if I could fix it up. She looked like a student at UT and was probably the most desperate person I've ever seen in my life. It was one of those 'ghost bikes' you see on the side of the road with some flowers and a picture of the person that had died. She brought in a ghost bike. I really didn't know what to do. I stood there staring at the bike, unsure of what to tell the woman. It's pretty much like someone giving you a smelly body bag and asking if you can clean it for them. Not saying she killed the guy, but same concept.

"Do you think you can fix this? I need to get around."

On other days, I'll be changing the lightbulbs in the most hard to reach places, testing out bikes, re-arranging anything that can be re-arranged, once to the point of renovating the entire bike shop.

A lot of the time it gets boring, except for Saturdays and Sundays, those days are crazy. People will come in with bikes, wheels, children, dogs, questions, wanting to rent bikes, wanting to know what Lance Armstrong is up to these days, wanting to know if they can do this on their bike, wanting to know how much this will cost, asking if we sell bikes here, and the thing I hate most, asking if they can speak to someone else.

I usually get that a lot, almost every day I'm working there "Is there someone else I can talk to about this?" or "Wait, do you work here?" or hesitating to trust me with their bike.

Yes, I do work here and no, there is no one else you can talk to.
But it's not that bad, I've actually had someone say they prefer having me work on their bike when they bring it in, now that's cool.

I didn't touch on everything, but there's a little bit about what I do as a bike mechanic. 

Is being a local such a bad thing?

As I was walking in Whole Foods today buying organic organics in the organic section, I noticed a man who was wearing a shirt that read "I AM A LOCAL" in bold letters and then had a clothing company's name in Austin along the bottom of the shirt. And I guess it's something to be proud of, but the way it was worn by that guy made it look like everyone else would say something like "Yeah, so what?". Or how everyone else encourages others not to move here with the most pretentious intentions. But it's really not such a bad thing. So many people come to Austin and what are you going to do about it? Get over it. Austin is no longer a secret. Because of all this, being a local isn't really a big deal.There's at least 700,000 people who are just like any other local in Austin. It's almost the same as saying you're a local in New York City; it doesn't entitle you to anything at all.

They're not even locals yet.

And it's so hard to not be a local when you are a local and other "locals" are doing things that actual  locals have been doing forever. That's when you spot a fake local.

Fake local: (Noun) - Someone who claims to be a local to a city when they've only been living for less than ten-ish years, or has the newest area code, or cannot pronounce street names correctly, or is a student living in a city only for school.

And for being an adult, and voting and stuff now, I still don't think I'm really a local. And you know what else, no one is really a local. For it to be true, you can only really call yourself a local in the final seconds before your death. Only then can people recognize it and spot a true local. It's like saying you're on the distinguished plan in high school, but still on the recommended plan until the very last day when a counselor will decide whether or not that student meets the requirements for being on the distinguished plan. Same deal.

So the next time someone calls themselves a local, you'll know that they're faking it.

Then and Now: Coffee

In my younger more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since. Coffee stunts your growth. Now I'm much older and wiser and drink coffee when I need to, but not as a morning routine. My dad is shorter than me, and I'm short. But my mom is shorter than my dad, so who am I? Coffee (thats a math joke). But then I look around at the rest of my family, and they're short too. It's almost like I'm Snow White and the more than Seven Dwarfs. Then I come to school and I'm the shortest of the group. But anyway, I googled my burning question and it turns out the be false. What a relief, now I can drink coffee by the gallon. But coffee is much more prevalent in my environment than it should be. I see it everywhere in the mornings, I see it in advertisements, I see it where I work to be used as more of a drug than anything else, I see it as birthday presents, and even in my own hands. But one thing I just haven't gotten a hold of, Starbucks. I just don't get it. I'm pretty sure I've talked about it before, so I won't go into my problems with Starbucks. So I've slowly been slipping into this whole coffee fad, and then I've noticed my teeth are looking a lot less white than they used to. So I stopped. Now I only take coffee in from an IV, and it seems to be working out pretty well. Just kidding, but I did slow it down to about a cup every other day, mostly at night. From what used to be something I saw as not very attractive to my five year old self is now something I use to my advantage. I use it for cycling, which makes a huge difference from winning and losing, but of course not around NICA, which bans the use of caffeine in cycling. I caught on to that from a friend who's a world champion in mountain biking and he drinks it religiously. In any other case I use it for late nights when I need to stay up. Mornings and coffee don't mix with me, just because it's too mainstream. Coffee as a drink is as far as I am going  to take it, no more no less. Not art, not as a present, not as a lifestyle, but as a drink that I drink. But there are certain situations when coffee becomes a part of a lifestyle, unconsciously. Like if someone asks "Well would you like to come upstairs for some coffee?" or "Hey maybe we can go out for coffee sometime".

You see, tea drinkers lives are much more simplified, that's why I sometimes prefer tea over coffee (unless it's social, then I go to coffee). Because tea is not as flamboyant as coffee. Coffee has more friends than tea because tea has only two friends, Green and Black. But tea can always make amends for  more friends, because if the Brits can do it so can we (just don't add milk).

Note: I am not a pretentious coffee or tea drinker. I'll even microwave my instant coffee to prove it. 

Elias & Friends Season Three 2014-2015

Season Three of Elias and Friends Beginning September-ish 2014

Kidnapped all of Late Night's sketch-comedy writers. This year is gonna be great.

The worst books I have ever read

I've read a lot of good books in my lifetime. I've also read many bad books. But the bad one's are the one's you never hear about. I stumbled upon this question as I was ease dropping on another student and teacher. Well not really, they were talking fairly loud, and I could hear it.
Anyway, they were talking about how they've read so many good books, but end up sometimes choosing books that they had no idea would be so bad because they only looked up "Best Books for  "x" ", not "worst books" or "books to never choose for an English class" because sometimes teachers love to throw those in.
So here's a bit of some of the worst books I have ever read (not in any particular order).

Herman Hesse, author of Siddhartha 10 years after it's publishing

The Master and the Margarita Bulgakov

An Inconvenient Truth Al Gore

Animal Farm Orwell

Mein Kampf Adolf Hitler

Catch-22 Joseph Heller

Siddhartha Hermann Hesse

If you ever have the chance in your life to read these books, don't. Although some might praise these books as a must read, they're books that are a must read for the wrong reasons. You might have read one of these books and found them to be cool, but for the average reader, not so cool.

Going off topic: Surviving on my own

In two years, I'll be in college. I don't know exactly where or how, but I'll be there. That also means I'll be put out into the wild to survive on my own. I can't remember the last time I've been out on my own for at least a week, ever. If it was, I was probably with someone or having my parents on me 24/7 asking if I'm "okay". But I'm not babied, no that's not the kind of  kid I am or was. I prefer to be treated like a normal person. For example, whenever I'm at Thundercloud picking up a sandwich with my mom or dad, the guy never talks to me. He just says "lettuce, tomato, onion?" with no side conversations whatsoever. But the last time when I was on my own, the guy had opened up to me about how bad his morning was and into serious depth about his girlfriend and personal life. But if I were working there, I wouldn't want to be talking to a momma's boy about my morning either so I guess it's a normal thing. But then the worst part is that I'll have to be paying for it all the time and paying bills which means getting an actual job doing actual things. I mean, the only adult things I did today was drink coffee and have awkward conversations. But no Starbucks. Starbucks is probably the last place I'll pick up coffee. I'd usually just go to any restaurant or coffee shop next to my house, because it's all the same really. There's only two kinds of coffee in this world, pretty good coffee, and eh I'll drink it. There's no cafe latte with a mochachino frap vanilla and cinnamon category in this. That's not even coffee, it's warm milk! It  falls into the pretty good category. The instant coffee you make at home is also pretty good if you add enough creamer. Then there's the one's who drink it with only sugar or only one thing. That falls into the "eh, I'll drink it" category.

I majored in sociology and look at me now! (3rd time I've used this picture)

I went into a Starbucks one time. It was the first and the last time I went there. I walked in and asked for a large coffees. The girl there said "We don't have large coffees, we have ventis." So I said "Alright well give me a venti." They also spelled my name wrong but hey, they work at Starbucks. I won't give them too much of a hassle. But anyway, then they asked what I wanted. I said "I told you I wanted a venti." But they wanted to know what to put in it and I said "COFFEE." "Well what kind? there's a menu." And by now I'm a little frustrated with this girl and so I just said "Surprise me, just give me one of those vanilla cafe swirl things." or something like that, you get the idea. I was then charged four dollars for coffee and milk that tasted like hot cocoa. That was the first and last time I ever went to Starbucks.

You can judge a person by their playlist

This question came to me as I was flipping through the R&B/Soul section of the whatever people call it record store on Record Store Day. Whenever you ask someone what their favorite kind of music is, don't they usually reply with a boring "Well everything really, except for country."? It happens to me every time I ask that question. It's either that or country only, there's nothing else. If you asked me, I'd narrow it down whatever's on KUTX, except for the folk music. I can't take folk music, I can't even think straight when it's playing. I don't know how I started listening to that station either, but I've been listening to it since the first day it started last year in 2013. Another reason I listen to it is because of how sometimes the DJs with the slower/deeper voices can go on talking about nothing for twenty minutes without you noticing. It sounds something like:  "And it's kind of nice outside today, a little cloudy, but I like cloudy it gets me in that feeling, you know that feeling. I was at Threadgills and they had this thing were, and the sky, cloudy, this concert, they havent been here in a long time, the last time they were, I remember they did this thing and it was also cloudy on that day."

And then you realize what the hell you were listening to for the past twenty minutes.
But I had a conversation with a friend about that station, and they said they listened to it too and I could actually relate to the different shows that come on and it was really great. It was the first time I didn't have to say "Well, have you ever heard of this band?"
 "Nope."

Ghostland Observatory, remember  them?

So music must be some sort of identification card in this world that we live in. You can probably tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. Maybe that's why their insecure, because they know I could tell something about that person if I checked out their playlist. Probably not what their favorite color is, but something like their age, coolness, stuff like that. It's not rocket science, but I bet a school like Harvard will come up with a study based on this blog with just a bunch of graphs and charts added into it.

My house is haunted (Spoiler Alert about ghosts)

Alright, so I know this sounds normal, but my house is haunted. I'm not just some guy who thinks his house is haunted, I AM a guy who KNOWS that his house is haunted. I had this "lucid" dream (if I'm using that word right) where I'm pretty sure something woke me up and turned me into a zombie one time. In my "dream" I went inside every room in my house and touched the floor, and then touched the ceiling. But I had to watch out for the candy Dots that flew around my house, looking for zombies. Unfortunately on my first trip, I was caught by a Dot, and I woke up. The second time, I was able to get to every room, even the one's people were sleeping in and do my zombie devil ritual thing, unconsciously, because I was possessed by the devil ghost in my house at the time. I noticed I was having these sleepwalking things when all of my pillows and sheets were upstairs and I sleep downstairs. I also have a spiral staircase in my house, and that makes it even more creepy. I also noticed that my house was haunted when my clothes were all moving on their own in my bedroom. They were moving in a wave motion, but they were my clothes so I wasn't too freaked out. So is my really haunted? I don't really know, but it probably isn't cause isn't everyone's house haunted? There are also so many things that have an influence on us that makes us think that things are haunted. I can't remember, but I'm sure I had watched a movie with ghosts, a book (probably not), or something else that made me think that if anything else had the same characteristics like in the movie, it's haunted. So if you're that kind of person who watches ghost shows and exorcist documentaries, chances are it's 1000% fake.                                                    

Going off topic: What's that smell? In the public library

"Can I borrow your library card?" - The stink in the library (Steve Buscemi in Big Daddy)

I like the library. I like it more than bookstores. But I've been visiting bookstores more often now. I don't think it's a bad thing though. It's just that feeling of ownership over a book that makes me feel good. But then, I don't know why I need to buy a book. I realized this when I was watching an episode of Seinfeld and George had just broken up with a woman when he realized he left his books at her house. Jerry asked if he had read them, he said yes, and then told him to forget about the books. So that's what I'm trying to do, forget about the books. Once I read them, they leave back to the 'SELL HERE' section of the bookstore. Along with the old CDs I have because who listens to CDs anymore, right? It's all about the vinyl now, but I can't stand it. But the weirdest part, and the hardest part about going to the library, is that smell. It's the smell, the same smell when you walk into one (especially Faulk). The gross, hot summer stench of a dead rat that keeps showing up around the computer area. Hobos don't really care about the ownership of a book, so that's why they end up in the library. But what is it? Does it make me look intellectual? Does it make me cool? Do I want people to know what I read? And what is that smell? Anyway, I'm just going off topic.

If you're homeless and visit the library, please don't.

Finding the right one for me

Have you ever been looking and looking for the right one for you but can't ever find it? You're not alone. This happened to me when I was at H-E-B today (crowned the best grocery store in the US). I was looking for some good avocados to make some guac and plant some pits, which is putting the "seed" in the water. I have about seven sitting on my window sill now, no green yet. But anyway, I can never find the perfect avocado or any fruit for that matter. They're always too hard or too soft and never just right. It takes real skill to do this and a skill many learn as adults or never learn at all. Being on the not-so-strict vegan diet I am on (had beef fajitas for lunch) I know my way around the produce section. Here's how to do it. Not too hard, not to soft, but lean towards a softer one. If you can't tell the difference, well you just might want to stop reading right now. Here's also some advice on bananas, where I also can never find the right one for me. They're almost always green with more green than yellow. Unless you stumble upon the 50 cent bag of ripe, brown spotted bananas, then buy those immediately. But when looking for the right bundle of bananas, it doesn't matter how pretty they look because you shouldn't be eating them when they're a clean yellow. Why? Well because they're not ripe and taste bad, which is probably why you don't eat bananas in the first place. Eat them when they're spotted because they taste a lot better then, have more alkaline in them, and look a lot better inside. No, they're not bad if they're bruised, you just have a fruit problem, and I just diagnosed you. So when it comes to looking for the right one in your life, just wait, they'll be ripe soon enough.

Pizza is the national food of ME

Sorry to Naples, Italy, but we sort of own the pizza. I know that pizza was originated in Italy and when you think of pizza, you think of the Italian flag and "Italian style" pizza with the New York pinch of flavor, coming from all of the Italian immigrants of course (thanks), not George Washington and a bald eagle, but it's ours. I noticed this the other day while I was buying my weekly suit and thought what the real food of our country is. The first few things were the hamburger, pizza, funnel cake, weight loss pills, and ice cream. I then scientifically narrowed these down to hamburger and pizza. How is that? Well it's simple. I asked a random group of 20,000 people of which food they prefer. 38 percent said they like Hamburgers and the other half said they want some pizza. And when you think about it, when has any class had a hamburger party? Never. Because pizza is easy to make, eat, and throw in the fridge for tomorrow. There's also not a pizza flavored hamburger, but there's a hamburger flavored pizza. Or when it's Friday and you say, "hey what are we gonna eat tonight?" And then someone says "lets get pizza!" I also researched the amount of pizza shops versus the amount of burger joints in Austin, TX and there's more hamburger joints than pizza, unfortunately. Well, I at least like pizza. So it's the national food of me I guess. But don't worry, I eat healthy too, and so should you. Maybe a veggie pizza would fix that. With gluten free bread too because I once ate gluten free bread and woke up looking like all three Jonas brothers. 

 eating healthy

A Bloem (That means Blog Poem)

This is a Bloem, a poem on a blog. That also means that it can only make less sense (from what poems are already). 

On a Thursday Night, it's thundering, no fright, I just might make some tea.
But Me? Make some tea? No siree! I am a man and a man makes.. Coffee.
But Coffee? That's not me. I kinda like tea. Only Green.
And that means tomorrow's Friday, Friday is my day, hay day, make way for me, Friday. Anyway.
Is a dog brown if it's a down clown ready to go to town to buy a crown, my dog, he's brown. And the brown is soft, not the brown but the dog, the dog likes no fog for he sleeps in a log. No dog likes to jog in fog.

I woke up drank some not tea, and I flee and all of a sudden I see! Someone? No that's me. In  the mirror. I must've been staring in the mirror. It kills so much time I just, wait. Did you hear that? The Thunder #Thunder. Clash mag in a slumber at most can I have your number?
And don't forget! Plantains, avocados just right, and plums with red on the inside with no cucumbers. But what do they look like on  the outside and no cucumbers? Yeah no cucumbers, on that post in a Tumblr. No cucumbers!
Hey! Little Girl! On the curb! Hand me that snowcone on the ground! It's still fresh, no joke. But watch out don't choke, there's a roach in it! Just kidding just hand it, to me he spoke.
Anyway, the rhyme has come to a close, as I must pick up some clothes, from the cleaners, my gold suit and my jeaners and please no pictures for my eyes have got no fixtures. My glasses I mean I do them on the lean, for free, they're clean and that ain't no LIE.

Is it cool?: Calling on the phone

Ever since smartphones came out, everyone has been really insecure with their phones. Mostly because things have gotten very personal on smartphones because there's so much to do on them.

But I still enjoy talking on the phone, because I think I look cool doing it. But when other people see me talking on the phone, they think I'm talking to someone who's telling me something really important.

"My son, huh?"

You know, that kind of situation where your mom is calling you to tell you to come to the front office or something like that. But it's usually me just talking to a friend. And I feel really cool doing it too. Like I'm talking to the president, laughing and everything. It definitely looks cooler than me making weird smiles at the screen and trying not to laugh. But then I think about me being that one obnoxious guy on the bus who laughs and screams through the phone. I don't want to be that guy. Or the guy who touches and plays with everything when on the phone. This includes the wall, people's desk toys, and people, while walking around.
I think older people have no problem doing this, just people my age, younger who have a hard time trying to talk on the phone. The next step is trying to find someone who will actually have a conversation with you on the phone, besides grandma.

So, is it cool? Yeah, it's cool.